Cocaine Anonymous

A true story of addiction, treatment, and recovery

In Montreal, it is relatively easy to find cocaine and get high. As I ventured into the basement of the Westmount Baptist Church to attend a Cocaine Anonymous meeting, I was afraid of the judgment of the people towards me, a non cocaine addict. Cocaine Anonymous was first established in Montreal in 1986. Robert F.* is the founding member of the local CA branch, the first of its kind in Canada, and today is its public information chairman.

I heard music playing and as I opened the door, Robert greeted me with a smile and  offered me coffee and cookies. He is a Montrealer in his late 50s with grey hair, he was wearing dark grey pants, grey shirt, black shoes, glasses and a CA ring. In the room, there was a piano, chairs, a table full with literature about CA and around 40 people were present. “The point of all of this is to let addicts know that there is a place for them,” says Robert. It is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other so that they may solve their common problem and help others recover from their addiction. He says they use the 12 step recovery program because it has already been proven that the 12 step recovery program works. "Recovery is possible together to live a life of hope, faith and courage," says Robert.

On August 21, 1986, the first CA meeting in Canada was held in the church on the Loyola campus on West Broadway. In 1985, there was the Alcoholic Anonymous's 50th Anniversary International Convention in Montreal. Robert wrote a letter to CA in California and the organization sent him a starter kit. He went to the pastor and told him that he wanted to start a CA meeting in Montreal and the pastor agreed. "I am a work in progress and that's how I like to look at myself," says Robert. There has been ups and downs with lots of struggles. "The last time I used any mind-altering substances was October 26, 1983. I incredibly have 33 plus years of sobriety," says Robert.

He was a real drug addict and was always paranoid. He went to rehab when he was 20 and went to "Portage", a Canadian non-profit organization. He was there for 12 months and when he left, they told him that he was a drug addict and not an alcoholic. "So it was ok for me to drink, I came out and I drank. Disco inferno, it was Bee Gees - Stayin' Alive, 1234 on Mountain Street and coke like crazy," he says. He was just running up to the high, always in trouble and had to go personally bankrupt. He worked as a commission salesman for a high profile company, he was making a lot of money but was totally irresponsible with his finances. "Bailiffs at my door all the time for parking tickets, I would just park anywhere and throw out the ticket when I got one," says Robert.

He fell in love with a beautiful party girl and had a car accident when she was with him. "She went through the windshield and she ended up in a coma," he says. She was in the Montreal Neurological Hospital and he was so scared of what would happen to her and also scared for himself. He went to see how she was, she had no memory, she lost the ability to speak, she couldn't walk but she did came out of it. It took her months but she learned how to walk and talk again. "I saw her 15 years ago at an AA meeting and I found out that she was clean and sober. She found her way," says Robert.

It was a family affair and his father was a raging alcoholic. "My brother was a closet drug addict," says Robert. But he still had a lot of love from them. He does not have a wife nor children. One day, he was in his backyard in Nuns' Island trying to get a suntan. "It was important to me to look good even though I was a toilet bowl inside because my life was a disaster," he says. His friend Gino showed up. He says, "Someone knocking at my door on a Sunday morning is trouble." His apartment was in a mess, everything in boxes, cigarettes and alcohol bottles everywhere. Gino was afraid that Robert would commit suicide and he told him to come with him else his sponsor John who is a cop was waiting for him downstairs or he can choose to go to treatment. "This was the easiest decision I ever made; the decision to go into treatment and it was an incredible journey," says Robert. He never looked back and he needed the pressure from the world. After a couple of weeks, he started to laugh, to feel good, he was a joker and he used to be in hell everyday. He wanted success, a life of sobriety, goodness and love. This was his power, this was not his weakness. "I haven't stopped in 33 years, giving back and helping others," says Robert. He went to meetings everyday and was brainwashed, but this was the best brainwashing he ever had.

Cocaine has been praised and cursed through frenzied days. Matt*, a young man, told me that he heard Robert speaking when he was in rehab. "I think that he is an example for me of where I wanna get to," he says. He told me that Robert always has a smile on his face, joking around and having a good time. Fernando*, a friend of Robert in his 60s got emotional when asked about Robert. "But that's ok, that's good medicine. Let me show you a real man you are looking at," he says. Fernando tried to commit suicide so many times. He once had a date with a girl at this church and that is how he met Robert. "I almost died in sobriety until I got serious. I came here in my own insanity looking for something else. Robert helped me and he is the real deal. It is a soul disease. I love Robert," he says.

Robert says that he doesn't know how he stayed sober, but he just loved the enthusiasm, the youth and all the people in CA. He is happy to see how things flourished around Montreal, Toronto and around the world. These 32 years has been fantastic for him, he meditates often and gives back what he can.  He is a great leader who keeps helping those in need.

After the interview with Robert and after the meeting, all the people in the room including me and Robert gathered around in a circle while holding each others hands and said a prayer before leaving the church.

*(They agreed to speak to me on condition that only their first names be used.)